...and needles to say, I'm hating myself (and people) all the more. You might be wondering why I'm now being so hateful of people when my last post contradicted this stance. My mind is totally fucked. But anyway enough of the rambling, here goes my woeful story;
I was invited to give a brief 'speech' for the Program Bicara Ilmu today at my school. The counselling unit organizes and execute this program annually whereby excellent former student seniors are invited to be the 'panel' with a teacher as a mediator. You are asked to share your own study methods and other tips to your juniors who are currently in Form 5. Towards the end of the program, the 'panel' is posed different questions from the audience on how to blablabla.
Ok, so there were four of us who made up the 'panel'. Aaron, Shasha, Mirah and me. These guys were like the only hoomans(quoting Markiplier) that made me happy and comfortable oh yeah and not to mention, the chicken chop we had in which mine was breakfast+lunch combo! oh well why am I even surprised, it's always been like that for me. So anyway, after we had our breakfast/lunch, we were called to the school hall and later we were invited up the stage by one of the teachers. I brought along a notebook in which I had written down main points to elaborate during my turn with the mic. My points were different from the rest and I was happy about that but little did I know that that momentary sense of competence will very soon be vanquished by a plethora of other kinds of negative thoughts- being the typical depressed lass that I am, you might say.
So, after Aaron and Shasha finished their talks, I was given the mic and I was still calm and tried hard to compose myself. "They're just your freakin' juniors, they are younger than you, they know not as much as you..", my subconscious kept whispering to me. But as the title of this post suggest and being the useless and highly-incompetent douchebag that I am, I went into what I deem as panic mode. Now, I still managed to start talking, but with all the nervousness, I told myself I was not going to speak in BM. BM is my least favorite subject, the subject that has been my Achilles' Heel from primary school and well..BM is just not my thing. I couldn't believe how not a word of BM striked my head at the moment I was giving my talk and so I decided that instead of stuttering and erring every too often, I would just speak in English all the way. While I did expect the students (and maybe teachers too) to not quite understand English (typical Sg.Choh peeps who are not very fond of English), I couldn't care less because that was some major stage-fright yo. So I apologized beforehand about how inconvenient and mentally-handicapped I am when on stage.
First few minutes into my talk, everything seemed fine, but even speaking in English couldn't ward off completely the overwhelming nervousness and stage-fright I am doomed to have. Half-way into my talk and the audience burst out into laughter. I swear I did not see that coming. I was perspiring heavily, kind of trembling and...speechless. It was like having a seizure out of nowhere and witnessing the damn people around you who don't understand the real problem laughing . I felt so helpless that I couldn't even help myself mitigate the awkwardness and embarrassment. I chuckled and just stared at my notes. Awkward AF. So then the teachers, as expected, told me to communicate in BM like I've not tried it. So once more, I tried to compose myself to not cause further embarrassment. And perhaps BM played karma with me or whatever, I just stood there dumbfounded like I've never learned BM.
The audience laughed at how I couldn't speak BM but could apparently speak English, the oh-so-cringeworthy alien language (really, morons they were). No one will understand how I felt that moment and how whatever knowledge I had about BM just drifted off into nothing-ness at that dreaded moment on stage. I continued my talk in English anyway.
The struggle was real. I am just glad it was all over. Well, I hope I don't have to speak BM on a stage anywhere in the near future.
|well at least this was something nice..|