Being a loner is sometimes rewarding, but for the most part, it's just downright depressing.
To begin with, I'm a social recluse because I feel very uncomfortable in the company of other people. I voluntarily dissociate myself from my knits and friends because I fear being judged by them. At the instant of being judged, as I knit all these probably untrue and elaborate things in my head, all I can think of is them[the people around me] harboring negative thoughts about me.
"Sheesh, her face, much blemishes..yikes!", "why the hell is she speaking like that?", "Who the heck does she think she is? Indian but claims to not know a word of Tamil" , "She's such a bitch!" , "Proud bitch. Dafuq she think she is?".
Those quotes above are probably untrue because as much as I'm aware off, I've never made any enemies that someone would have such tangible antipathy towards me. Unnecessary too, as they didn't do much to convey the emphasis I meant, but those are typically what runs inside my head every time I'm in the presence of others.
I'm extremely insecure and this is mainly why I keep away from others.
I wouldn't go around fantasizing the word 'introvert' as that's just not what I am, unfortunately. Introverts take pleasure in being just who they are, unlike me, I do seek the thrill of having company and friends but I just can't bring myself to socialize with people.
It's not solely because I fear being judged, but also the fact that I can't get along with most people's contents in their talks and messages. I just can't stand the overwhelming degree of cheeziness and cliched-ness of their conversations. It's plain unbearable to me. I wish I was more tolerant and not such a radical like this.
From what I've observed throughout my secondary school life, my classmates and fellow peers chose not to mingle much with me and even if they did, they would seemingly keep their fair share of distance as much as how I did with them. I mean, I can't blame these people as it was me who had perpetrated that mild enmity, but I also can't deny how at times when I did make the extra effort to be as benign and warmhearted as possible, they would just ignore me and leave me out. These people probably think they're better off not associating themselves with a weirdo like me.
To feel lonely is to is to see how your peers and their friends get along each other so freaking well and to feel nothing but helpless and cry yourself out in the inside of how much you crave that kind of intimacy with other people whom you can call friends.
I hope the above paragraph summarized justly how I feel being a lonely person. I stand in solidarity with all the other people going through this painful phase.
I don't know how I'm still being positive. Phase, seriously? :(
I might be suffering from Social Anxiety Syndrome or S.A.D. I made this kind of hasty and ambiguous conclusion because I watched a documentary on S.A.D and the symptoms matched exactly what I'm experiencing. :/
It's the third most common mental health issue beside depression and substance abuse. I will not be surprised if I'm one of the many suffering from this syndrome.