not pleased, much sighs..
"To be frank, I honestly dislike this whole exam thingy. They do nothing but test you on some shit you've memorized. I don't see the rationale behind it. I'm not saying this just because I didn't quite obtain good grades this time. I'm saying this in retrospect and in hindsight." -me
Oh well, to begin with, I'm terribly disgusted with my results. They didn't at all yield desired results nor did they meet my expectations. Instead, my results contradicted all of my cognitivity in such a dramatic manner, I thought I was plunged into a world of contradictions for a brief moment...
It was all real. I obtained a mere 5A's and 4B's. No A+, not a single one living in my soul at least for this moment and the long ensuing [boring] days to come..I thought I've gave my all, but a horrific "NO!!" was the resounding answer I got from glaring and staring long at my results I detested so much. I was somehow, somewhat 'patting at my own back' and consoling myself that it was not my fault,..thinking of all the possible reasons that could have led to my downfall. I don't mean to puff up with what people would call 'vanity' and 'conceit'... I just wanted to do something different, ...something deviating from what I always did.
I've always sort of bashed myself in an abstract manner, aiming a good deal of foul words to myself on any occasion in which I am marked 'stupid', 'guilty' or 'useless/good for nothing' ..I do the marking myself. Then comes the flow of some serious negative thoughts, all billowing in thick black smoke clouding and besieging my head, rendering,imploring and compelling me to succumb to all of it's negativity and accept the fact that I am nothing at all. A douchebag or whatsoever it is, I ought to accept it.
Doing such(as what was mentioned above) did me no good. I only brought harm to my own self, making myself a slave to negative thoughts and as a result, I always felt inferior. I made abstract self-inflicted wounds on myself. It took me long to realize it all. Now that my eyes are opened, I wanna look at things the way I didn't. I wanna put a stop to ladening and burdening myself with thoughts that did nothing but weigh me all the more down.
Flipping through my exam papers, I saw 'x' on my answers which did not at all occur or appear to me that they were wrong. While going through the answers in discussion, I came to know that the answers were that simple. I thinked a lot. A 2-marks-question I would answer it in a considerably long stanza comprising of three or more sentences. Then there're these teachers who would say they wouldn't credit any answers that do not contain the 'keywords'. A few of my long elaborated answers of course, did not have any of the keywords. But I did actually elaborate on what was supposed to be a short, simple answer. At least there's this inkling I had as to what the answer was supposed to be. I was close to it. And still, I don't get any credit? I was very, very, so immensely disappointed because this concept of must having the 'keywords' in your answers was executed by all teachers upon marking our papers.. and that meant, I got a whole bunch of unexpected grades, what more for the marks.
To be frank, I honestly dislike this whole exam thingy. They do nothing but test you on some shit you've memorized. I don't see the rationale behind it. I'm not saying this just because I didn't quite obtain good grades this time. I'm saying this in retrospect and in hindsight. Studies make me a slave to time. Talent there is, time there's none,..hobby there is, time's not plenty enough, ..interests there is, time is not sufficient,... and even if there is time to spare for leisure acts.. studies wouldn't let me stand chance. Indeed, I don't stand a chance to develop things I'm good in, neither do I stand a chance to unravel my hidden potentials and nurture my known potentials. This really, really saddens . me. :'( Oh well, it's pointless if I were to argue about this to anyone, especially my momma.
Now that I'm in form 4, besides having have to go through torment (in studies),... I'm getting a whole lot of offers! Offers to represent my school in Scrabble(district level), Word Mania, National Science Challenge (NSC), and NILAM PKG Rawang. Well, seriously,..I...I,..don't know what to say. I don't know if I'm happy or sad or angry. I am of course happy because a teacher would come personally ask my sister and I if we could represent our school in those competitions. I'm probably sad and angry because I had to forgo two of the offers because of my weak, anxiety-stricken heart, a result of the over and ever-burdening studies...
I am so disappointed with my results I hesitate and am ashamed to post my marks like what I've always did for every of my exams.
...what a write-out!